its been a very long time i know. I have so much to say, and yet no words to say them with. Im talked out. Im fought out. Im emotionally exhausted. Life has got to the point where every breathe is just a mission. It hurts to cry, it hurts to laugh. HOw can something that was meant to be so right, end up feeling so wrong? How can so much hurt come from something that i once believed would bring me all the joy in the world? How did i come to think i deserved what i thought it was? how can people around me be getting married, living in certainty, or rather, believing in a certainty. In the beginning, we were showered by uncertainty, well, i wasn't, but people around us were. However, we pushed through that hard time, we worked it out. And came together, in a happy union. Then the slope began to slip. Things just got worse, and now im stuck inside something im scared to let go of, because it felt so right at one stage, but now all it brings is pain, tears and confusion. There is so much i havent done in life, i feeling like im falling, falling backwards... and im screaming, but no one can hear me, and no one will rescue me.

I dont know where to go from here. I dont know if it will get better... it does for a while, then it goes backwards again, falling further and further... breaking what is left. My grip is losening slowly, im starting to let go. I cant fight anymore, i cant deal with it anymore. There are so many issues, so much finger pointing. I know im not innocent, but i promised myself i would not get stuck in something like this again. And i am. Im full of love, more than before, but somehow, it may not be enough. not this time.....